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(Don't Fear) The Bidet

The last time you had water shot up your ass was when the CIA wanted to know why you holidayed in Havana last June. That's no reason not to try the bidet. And as I'm now in Argentina I have learnt that everyone does it and it is rather pleasant. But I wouldn't let an argument that simple sway me, because then I'd be as soon saddled with an Argentine psychoanalyst. So just relax, sit upright and let me explain, and in doing so work out for myself, the magnificent world that is the bidet.

And don't be shy — no English speaking countries have anywhere near the number of bidets as the Argentines: a whopping 90%. Throughout history there have been numerous misapprehensions and mistakes regarding the use of the bidet: my favourite is when during World War Two US servicemen thought it was specific to the brothel to douche French prostitutes. The bidets function is to clean the genitals and the anus. It is not a drinking fountain, or urinal; it is not intended as a baby bath, although it has been, and with a plug functions quite amicably in this manner.

So this is how it works: you will perform your business as usual. Clean as you would in any bidet-less bathroom. Now while your pants are still cuffing your ankles, waddle to the bidet. To clean your genitals face the taps; to clean your anus face away from the taps. In most Argentine bidets there will be three taps: the middle will usually be the valve to change the water from a stream shooting from a nozzle below you, to a flush that emanates from the rim. Of the other two taps, one will be warm water, one will be cold. Position yourself over the bidet as if riding a horse (the name, from French, derives from pony, as in the position needed to ride a pony). Usually the taps will have been left in the flush position from when the last user cleared away any residues from their visit. Usually by turning the middle tap anti-clockwise you will make it ready to shoot it's fine little streams of water into your nether-regions. Now beware, the little streams of water are not designed as a small fountain: if you turn it on full-bore without yourself to deflect the stream you are likely to wet the roof.

So there you are, straddling the bidet for the first time. Congratulations on making it this far. So just relax and it'll soon be over, and after a few times you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. And don't feel like you need some web-page to dogmatically illustrate how the cleansing should happen — play around a bit, and make sure you feel clean. When it is over, turn the middle tap the other way and let any debris make its way down the drain.

Now, if there is not a towel beside the bidet with which you might dry yourself, then use some toilet paper. Whilst the Japanese have taken to the bidet's that also dry, you probably won't see many bidets that do that job for you. Now you're dry and cleaner than you've ever been in your Anglo nation. You are also one step closer to the everyday Argentine experience — that means you can brag of your new accomplishment to other expats and ask them with a supercilious tone: 'Oh, and you don't use the bidet?'

So when in Argentina, it is a simple case of do as the Argentineans do. Yeah — let's form a military dictatorship! Well, 'do as the Argentineans do' apart from dictatorships, any manoeuvring of automobiles, and anything to do with bureaucracy. But at least try the bidet a few times.

— Murdoch Stephens